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20121027
20121104
Search Results 0 to 18 of about 19 (some duplicates have been removed)
, it will be over soon, abby. the election will be over soon, captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! please, everybody, please. good to have you with us and, folks, it is good to be back. first of all i'm okay. (laughter) how's everybody here? everybody okay? (cheers and applause) full disclosure: this isn't actually my audience. we're actually one ago shelter tonight. (laughter) most of these people are just here to recharge their iphones. (cheers and applause) and to take a bum shower in the bathroom sink. (laughter) little gamey. because we have all come through one hell of a storm, folks. of course, our thoughts and prayers are with the 60 million americans throughout 20 states who have been hit by hurricane sandy. this record surge has devastated communities from north carolina to maine. 62 people at least have died. power station explosions and downed lines have left eight million people without electricity-- including n
's really only one question on everyone's mind. >> how will this affect election day? >> with much of the east coast battered by sandy only seven days from the election, how will it impact the race? >> it's mother nature's october surprise. a storm so big and so destructive it could throw the campaign's final week into chaos. >> stephen: yes, all across the country people were frantically texting their loved ones. "your father and i are or worried, have you seen the latest tracking polls of undecided suburban women in ohio?" (laughter) and make no mistake, folks, this hurricane has got "election" all over it! out of sensitivity, less than one week from election day mitt romney has been forced to suspend his campaign! that's why he scrapped his victory rally in kettering, ohio and instead appeared at a completely different the same spot -- (laughter) -- with the same people and called it a storm relief rally. which is so comforting for all those living on ohio's hard-hit atlantic coast. (laughter) (applause) now, at the storm relief not-campaign event, mitt aired a biographical vide
because -- folks, huge news. we're always looking to bring you the biggest election story. and rumors started monday about a game-changing october surprise. >> donald trump now claims to have a bombshell announcement about president obama. >> a major announcement from donald trump coming today, and why it might change your vote in the presidential election. >> i have something very very big. it's very big. bigger than anyone would know. it's going to be very big, i know one thing-- you will cover it in a very big fashion. >> stephen: yes, board up your windows, stock up on canned meats --this will be the biggest, classiest, most devastating election game-changer in the human history of time. okay? think teapot dome, only the teapot is encrusted with gold and we're using diamond tea bags. [ laughter ] the speculation was rampant. was it the long-rumored obama divorce papers? proof that obama's white half is also black? [ laughter ] no, even bigger. trump dropped a ten-mega-trump bombshell. >> if barack obama opens up and gives his college records and applications; and if he gives his p
.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight new scientific methods to predict its winner of the election, evenee meanee mine mitt? and getting ready for halloween, if are you like most americans you're already filled with candy. and my guest, mitch daniels is republican governor of indiana where the wind goes sweeping down the plains ♪ ♪ anonymous source say mitt romney uses spray tan. those anonymous sources, anyone with eyes. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, basele
to a nuclear iran. >> yes. four years after obama was elected, four whole years have passed. (laughter) the president did nothing to stop the march of time (laughter) not only is iran four years closer to a nuclear bomb, if you think about it, everybody is. even me! (cheers and applause) admittedly, i'm still far away. the mentos and diet coke stage. but still. (laughter) and, folks, mitt laid out his prosecution of the president's weak leadership. >> four years ago the president began what i called an apology tour of going to various nations in the middle east and criticizing america. i think they look at that and saw weakness. >> nothing governor romney just said is true. >> yes it is! (laughter) you apologized. not only that, you bowed to leaders all over the world! that is not presidential! f.d.r. never bowed to foreign leaders. (laughter) he never even stood for them! (laughter) but obama -- (cheers and applause) -- obama, obama will bow to anyone! hell, after the debate he bowed to romney's grandson! (laughter) and, folks, great points by romney but it's not just what romney said
are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, baseless decimations of who is going to win. now this much we know, folks. the election could be swung by one key voting bloc. >> women! >> stephen: yes! it's the ladies! who are they going to vote for? well, according to a new report on cnn.com, women vote based on their oflation cycle. (laughter) the study says that when single women are ovulatting they feel sexier and therefore lean more toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (applause) that makes him the commander in booty calls. folks, i think this study is bull. and cnn knows it because they pulled the article saying it did not meet their editorial standards. damn straight. this study is offensive. all women are like mindless hormone zombies following pheromone trails like so many worker ants to the poles? no, come on, it's the 21st century. women don't make decisions based on what's down here. t
've been waiting for five years. next up on tips of the wiz el, throughout the election pundits have wondered whether mitt romney's faith could hurt his chances. >> we know from extensive polling as well as an deck-- anecdotally and culturally that evangelical does do not favor a mormon candidate. >> for a lot of evangelical christians, they didn't consider mormonism even christianity. >> stephen: of course, how can it be christianity if it is not televised with an 800 number. so to countser this problem, romney has appealed to the reverend billy graham, an evangelical titan and religious advisor to 12 presidents. one more and he gets a free foot long in heaven. but folks there is a catch. billy graham's own web site lists mormonism as a cult along with jehovah witness, scientologist and unitarians. oh yes, the dang just-- dangerous cult of unitarianism, their rules are so loose that their tle sacred fixes are the old testament, the new testament and free to be you and me. (applause) so ladies and gentlemen, a miracle has occurred for mitt. because with god all things are deletable.
Search Results 0 to 18 of about 19 (some duplicates have been removed)

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